Irreference » How to Win a Catfight

Amanda Woodward (Heather Locklear): If I have to watch Alison strut her traitorous butt across the courtyard, I’m gonna kill one of us.

-Melrose Place

Whether you are taking someone down for stealing your man or scratching out a coworker’s eyes for stealing your idea, it is handy to know how to master the catfight. Sharpening your jungle-red talons is only a small part of good catfight technique; according to stuntwoman Danielle Burgio, you also have to be prepared to protect vulnerable areas on your body. The most important thing to bring to the brawl, however, is the will to win. Victory (and maybe even the hunky man across the courtyard) will be indisputably yours.

Step 1: Prepare to use anything and everything on your person as a weapon.
The more tricked out you are, the better, so remember to accessorize.

- Heels, jewelry, rings, and long fingernails can all be used to cut, scratch, and bruise your opponent’s face.
- A belt can be used as a whip.
- The bow of your sunglasses or your spiky heels can be used to jab.

Step 2: Take steps to protect yourself.
Put your hair up and out of the way to avoid a vicious hair-pulling. Be prepared to assume the proper fighting stance to defend your face and chest.

Step 3: Plan your offensive punches.
If you are shorter than the enemy, body punches are the way to go. If you tower over your opponent, use an uppercut to the chin.

Step 4: Take your enemy off guard.
Offer to resolve the dispute peacefully through conversation. When she begins to calm down and listen to reason, proceed to deliver a sucker punch to the chin or abdomen.

Step 5: Deliver the punch.
Keep your body tight and step into your punches if you can, while slightly torquing or twisting your hips. To deliver an uppercut, make a fist with your thumb on the outside. Draw your arm back slightly, then bring your fist up and squarely make contact underneath your opponent’s chin. To punch her in the abdomen, begin with your elbows in and close to your body. Stepping into the punch, quickly jab your dominant fist either straight out or angled slightly down (depending on your opponent’s height) until you make solid contact with her body.

Step 6: Continue to deliver body blows.
Aim for any area around the waist, such as the kidneys, which are located on the back of the body a few inches above each hip. A good punch to the boobs will hurt her as well. If her hair is long, pull it . . . hard. Use your fingernails or rings to claw her face. Pull off a shoe and jab her in the arm. Whip her with your belt.

Step 7: Avoid inflicting injuries that might bring legal action.
Hair-pulling, body blows, and light scratching will most likely not get you community service or jail time; breaking someone’s nose will (unless it’s in self-defense).

Step 8: Stay on the offensive.
If you can, wrestle your opponent to the ground or back her into a corner by continuing to move forward. She will be off balance and forced to back up until she’s literally up against the wall.

Step 9: Once your opponent is sufficiently incapacitated or has run away, get to safety.