How Big Is Huge?
At what point does a penis cease being merely large and cross the threshold into OMG? Beginning with the Canary Islands Conference of 1904 and as recently as Dr. Herbert Sumner’s (now widely discredited) On Huge Penises of 1970, there have been several attempts to create universal diagnostic guidelines: a certain number of inches, a certain weight, and so on. But these simply weren’t practical because penile hugeness is relative to the size of the sufferer, and it can take many different forms. For instance, some penises are exceedingly long but lack girth (”French Breads”), whereas others are quite wide but short (”Tuna Cans”). An OMG diagnosis requires excessive length and width; it is usually made in early adolescence, when the defect first presents itself. In addition to a basic visual and manual examination, today’s doctors ask seven simple questions to help confirm an OMG diagnosis:
Have you ever pinched your penis under a toilet seat?
Do sexual partners complain of stomachaches during intercourse?
Have you ever experienced numbness in your hands or feet while erect?
Do you buy oversized pants or underwear to accommodate your penis?
Have you ever harbored thoughts of harming your penis?
Can you touch the base of your spine with the tip of your penis?
Generally, if the patient responds “yes” to four or more of these questions, his penis can be classified as “huge.”
