Toddlers who exhibit pronounced distress over separation from a parent are experiencing separation anxiety, a program malfunction that develops in many toddlers at between 18 and 24 months but can last much longer. Distress decreases as the toddler is programmed to activate self-calming, playing with others, and self-entertaining skills. Your toddler’s separation anxiety will be difficult for both of you at first, but your toddler’s ability to reprogram himself to deal with the separation will closely reflect your behavior as you separate from him. Remain caring and empathetic (”I know it’s hard to say good-bye”), but don’t fall into the trap of providing excessive reassurance. Allow the toddler to experience minor distress, and over time he will reprogram himself. Face the change slowly to help a toddler grow accustomed to separation.
1. Have your toddler leave the room without you. If your toddler is very clingy or tends to “shadow” you wherever you go, start with having the toddler leave you to “fetch” his favorite items or toys from a bedroom or playroom.
2. Bring an unfamiliar caregiver into your home. Ask a babysitter to come to your home (unfamiliar person, familiar setting) while you shop for groceries or go out with a friend for an hour.
3. Take your toddler to visit a familiar person in a less familiar setting. Drop your toddler off briefly with grandparents, friends, or relatives for an hour.
4. Establish a separation routine. Predictable routines can help a toddler overcome anxiety about transitions. Likewise, separation routines will help your toddler adjust-inform the toddler when you will return, kiss him, hug him, wave to him, and go out the door.
EXPERT TIP: Longer-term problems with separation are often the result of learned behavior. When confronted with an impending separation, toddlers learn to behave in ways that encourage parents to remain longer, to return quickly, and to reduce the frequency of separation opportunities. Many times your best efforts to “help” your toddler-extra hugs, kisses, verbal reassurance-simply confirm to him that there is reason to be nervous. These efforts also reinforce problem behaviors and prevent toddlers from developing their own self-comforting/coping skills. Stick to your separation routine, keeping it brief and positive.
