When you drank your first beer, you probably appreciated its unique effects only after it left the can, swirled down your throat, and infiltrated your bloodstream. But you missed out on a lot. Anyone aspiring to be a true lover of beer-a cervezaphile, as coined by beer historian Gregg Smith-must learn to savor the moments leading up to final bliss. In other words, here’s how to sound like a beer snob, in five easy steps.
1. GAZE LONGINGLY AT YOUR BEER
Hold the beer directly in front of you-not up to the light, which will alter its appearance-and try to describe three things: the color of the beer, the color and size of the head, and the consistency (fig. a). The toughest part might be the color; there are only so many synonyms for “straw” and “brown.” Try comparing it to a specific object (e.g., “This porter has the dark brown look of a melted Almond Joy candy bar”). And keep your eye on the head; if it quickly dissolves into oblivion, you’re probably looking at a flat or cheap beer.
2. SWIRL YOUR BEER
Don’t recreate a whirlpool in your glass. Just give it a nice, easy swish to stir things up (fig. b). You’ll be amazed at what kinds of aromas the beer will release. Swirling will also test the heartiness of your head; if a gentle swish sends it packing, turn up your nose with displeasure.
3. SNIFF YOUR BEER
Sniff through your nose alone (fig. c), then with your nose and mouth open, then with your nose again. (Your tongue affects how you sense aroma.) Probably the easiest smell to detect is that unpleasant “skunked” factor, which is not unlike opening a 100-year-old tomb and finding a dead animal inside. Beyond that, try to pick out individual aromas, comparing them to specific scents (e.g., “This pale ale smells like a box full of Lemonhead candies”).
4. (AT LONG LAST) DRINK YOUR BEER
Go ahead and sip . . . but wait! Don’t swallow! Let the beer cascade over your tongue (fig. d), which is divided into specific taste areas: the top (sweetness), the sides (saltiness), the bottom (acids), and the back (bitterness). It’s a little easier to detect these flavors if your beer isn’t ice cold. You’ll be surprised at the number of tastes beer can contain; in my own research, I’ve tasted caramel, nuts, strawberries, mint, citrus, chicory, chocolate, malt, even banana. It helps to stop thinking of beer as “beer-flavored”-that’s the hops talking. Try to focus on what makes this beer distinctive from others. Also, pay attention to the mouthfeel, which is the actual consistency of the beer. Is it thin and wispy, or so thick-bodied that you could cut it with a steak knife?
5. EXPRESS YOURSELF
Put all of your observations together in a couple of pithy sentences (fig. e), and voilà! You’re on the way to sounding like a complete beer snob. To see some excellent examples of precision beer reviewing, visit www.beeradvocate.com, the Web’s largest beer community, run by Todd and Jason Alström. There are dozens of reviews on pretty much every beer in existence, contributed by members. It’s especially amusing to read reviews that cite unique flavors in mass-produced American beer.
