Attention true patriots: Why wear your flag on your lapel when you can wear it in your pants? To style the American Flag, you’ll need a hand or electrical razor; red, white, and blue hair dye; and a deep, deep, deep love of your country. Shave the upper portion of your pubic region into a perfect flag-shaped rectangle. Dye a big blue box in the top left quadrant. Take the red and white dye, and if you’re particularly ambitious-or working with a large surface area-dye seven red stripes and six white stripes. If you’re working with a smaller canvas, display at least three stripes of each color. It’s star time! I haven’t met anyone who had the room to display all 50 stars (and for that I’m grateful) so try the 1777 Continental Congress flag with thirteen stars. And keep in mind that these stars don’t have to be perfect; in fact, little white dots will probably suffice. If this particularly tricky dye job is too rigorous to handle (i.e., you hate freedom and love socialized healthcare), you can always shave “USA” into your botched red, white, and blue canvas.
